Yesterday I watched a few clips from Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge and realized with solid dream of going to Switzerland alone and a lot of mercy by Allah that I reached there. It made me realize where determination could really lead you. Then, my thoughts fly to deceased Wan and Abah who were extremely supportive in every decision in my life. And that thought led to another thought of how they brought us up to stand on our own feet. I can never say enough thank you and forever indebted to my parents and grandparents for that.
Once I read about how you capture memories in songs. Like now. Listening to DDLJ songs brought so much good memories from my childhood. Preparing for UPSR tuition classes, dreams and hopes that I had as a kid, went out from school to see Wan (grandfather) who would patiently wait for me outside the school compound be it rain or shine,tok’s smiles welcoming me from home, tea session with my parents, storybooks that Abah would bring home and took me bookstores to buy new ones. I’ve had wonderful memories growing up.
What about now?
I’m still that kid who got excited towards new things but also dream less. I cannot fake determination as much as I cannot fake passion. I know what I want but I know at times the determination is not there because I got lazy. My eyes are not constantly on the target.
Because I reached my comfort zone eventhough it’s not that comfort.
Well that is something to think about. Hmm….
that’s the thing about hooking up with… tv series.
you . cannot. stop.
so i spent hours of my sunday doing just one thing, watching Gossip Girl. well, i have to give thumbs up to the scriptwriter because the dialogues in that movie is good. as good as one tree hill. hmm another marathon for that one is needed too. besides, who would forget the charming smile of lucas scott? who would and ever will?
i’m not sure if blogging is still relevant as a way or measure to pour my thoughts out and make me feel automatically better afterward, but i guess it helps in a way. i had a thought on friendship while watching one of the episode this evening about how lonely boy became the only boy in the crowd where there are too many people he still feels alone? i guess we all are at times. besides respect, trust is earned. you cannot fake trust especially to other people. at least i know i could not and still can’t. but at the same time, i am not asking people around to earn my trust, it happens naturally.
maybe because of this i don’t really talk about deep problems with a lot of people. to think back, when i have my downtime, in terms of human being, the very first person that i would go talk to was my mother and then me as in myself. from there, i sort all out what the problem is all about and should i be sad about it or not. i know it’s cliche and sound motivational but it is extremely important to know own self and decide what is best for you. no worries, i will not leave god out of equation because He’s in every step of the way, it’s just a matter of awareness or not. i hope we all do. i understand now why self reliance is very much important because when we deal with something that we cannot just snap our finger and change the situation, we have to rely on our own self and be responsible for it.
tomorrow is a new day and i am one day closer to the expiry date. scare much, reading that sentence. i know it’s scary but it’s a fact.
okay.. going to perform my isyak prayer now..
Always reminds me of a crush i had with Fina while we were in high school. Yeah, shared the same crush weyh. So limited to to meet a guy because we were in all girls boarding school, let alone like potentially handsome boys back then. You just had to make-do. Kongsi pun kongsilah. Lols
Lame, i know.
I have to pen this down because this song is rarely on my playlist and when there is, my mind floating to that one point of time in my life. The good old days despite the struggles i had to endure to get all As in SPM. Speaking of priorities in life back then. Nevertheless i admit i kinda enjoy my life in highschool. I was not the brightest student not the paling corot jugak, okaylah nak hidup and secured the only scholarship i ever aimed for since i was 14. Well, when your close friends study, that motivated myself to study too. Hehe.. and who am i kidding. I had my aim set to pursue my studies in the uk all along. Hence, masa mula2 masuk utp terasa tar jalan dari pintu depan tu boulevard of broken dreams je. Okay that saves for another entry, if i ever have the will and focus and time to write about that.
Now, it’s about this one particular boy we had crush on. He had us at the first beat. Oh wait. I did not listen when he played the drum. Rephrase, he had Fina for his look and how he was drumming the tune of that song and he had me for his look too and knowing for a fact he was a drummer make me go all wow. Plus, we wanted to spice up our daily conversation besides “eh you dah cover chapter tu?”
Ahh the good golden days of being a teenager. That reminds me i have one of the many dyadreams (sometimes they are my life goals) i have wanted to pursue all along. Wish me luck. Only god knows, 50% chances i’d be leaving to Scotland next year on this day.
Then I can do Prague. Pragueeeeeeeeeeee weh. One city that i long to see but always slip from me even after 2 freaking eurotrip. Doakan i guyssssss and girlsss.
I hope for the best. So need to gather myself and work for that.
Oh god. This sounds so motivational already.
1.I knew a friend that is so humble that i read his status, i cave in. Through my eyes, he achieved high points at so different levels and yet he’s so humble. That kind of sincere humble.
2. I am willing to do more, to achieve more.
I am in love.
I am constantly in love with myself until a point that at times i take myself for granted. Like, not doing the best that i can. I know it sounds cliche but yes, i take it for granted.
Life is not just measured up by only PPA rating in your organization but i also got PPA i have to keep up in the eyes of Allah. That’s not easy but it is actually easy.
This Ramadhan i teach myself to make du’a (prayers) based on the prayers in the quran. One will never understand my struggles with du’a because i am constantly chasing myself to leave the sejadah. One day, i read about a quote of Saidina Ali where he mentioned of – Du’a adalah senjata orang mukmin.
That caught my attention. Just as much as one of the verse in Surah Sajdah where it just stated that one day we’ll be meeting our Lord (Allah). Knowing that fact alone has helped me go through rough moment a lot! Just one simple verse. When i face the rough moments, i tend to feel like my world has collapsed but at the same time i know life is not stopping just because you feel like yourself collapsed internally. So what keeps me moving is the fact that if i give up then i have a lot to answer to Allah so i get scared and it’s always better to bounce back. Hehe..
Back to the du’a
I downloaded this one apps at playstore and started reading those dua from quran on a daily basis. I like it because it’s whole. The context is so tight because in just a few verses i can relate to a lot of things that i am currently going through. I am not instantly feeling closest to Allah like i ever felt in my entire life but enough to say i feel a little bit closer and i hope the gap getting smaller day by day.
It’s not a month process but i hope i can maintain the efforts of what i already knew and pray that Allah will guide me constantly to further find ways to be closer to Him. Amin!
If one day, one of you who are reading this happens to be my life partner, rest assured that in my heart at that time will be you and only you. Thats why i choose you despite everything i posted or written in here.
Well, i can consider myself as an animated person with vibrant character. Yes/no? I easily get amused but hardly impressed. When i say i am vibrant, i once test a character of a person by bringing him cupcake, to his office, during our first meet. Little that i knew, i was the one got a surprise. He turned to be as animated and sincere and open minded as a person could be. And, very very helpful.
Thinking back, i like the way how he hid the awkwardness and still manage to discuss what i asked about at that time. If you ask me, that was one of the most spontaneous acts i did just because i felt like to and i wanted to. It was embarrassing of course but it was going to be more embarrasing if he turned out to be a jerk. Lucky for me, he did not. but well, this is not a fairy tale. He’s not my boyfriend either and the feeling long gone but i am glad i took a step and test character of a person like what i did.
I learnt that some people are very good with people and do not make a stranger feels awkward at all . Some act so cool to a girl who had crush on him. Some guys would act all weird, that include some of my male friends that i often hang out with. When a girl likes one of them, they act all weird and at times freaked out. As AN puts it in her blog, like her, i consider myself lucky at that part because one or two i had crush with and i made known to him are the one who can act cool. Quoted from one of them, they respect my feeling enough so he didnt even make fun of it and it’s my thing to deal with. Which i found so matured or that was the smoothest way of rejecting me. Sleek!
I learn i don’t always get what i want but i am glad for the efforts i made. 🙂 because at the end, i know what god gives me after all the efforts and prayers i made, is the best for me. But do not stop praying. 😉 and always have positive mindset towards Allah, for whateverrr pun. Faham? #TazkirahPuasa
On the other note,
Works are piling up. I feel stupid evaluating something that i do not knpe and my fundamental is crumbling. Expectation is high. I hope between my expectation and i, we can meet halfway.